I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
