fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
