I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
