His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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