I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
