so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
