she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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