Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
