can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
