Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
