if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
