I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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