i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't deserve a penis
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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