I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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