I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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