I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
