I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
