Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
