im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
