I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
