he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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