Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
