I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
