Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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