I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
