What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
