Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
