It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
