By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
