Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize