Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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