I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
