Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
