Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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