She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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