dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
