i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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