Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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