I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sex in a hospital.. check
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
