You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
