I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
