this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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