you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
