I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
