I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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