I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
