Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
