I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
