I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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