i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
