xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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