I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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