Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
even my farts smell like vagina
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
