i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize