sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
