Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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