I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
