So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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