my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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