how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
