I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
